• Who is this chick anyway?

Nova Terra

~ Just another way of stalling on my other writing

Nova Terra

Tag Archives: mean people suck

Stuffing

01 Tuesday Oct 2019

Posted by lionsofmercy in Blog

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

abuse, crying, emotions, mean people suck, memories, mental health, trauma, triggers, webmonkey

I was eleven or so. One afternoon my parents called me into the living room for some minor task, and inquired almost angrily what my deal was.

My face working, I stammered out that I was trying not to cry.

Well, what did I have to cry about?

I had cut my finger just moments earlier, while peeling an apple in the kitchen.

So why didn’t I cry?

“B-bec-cause y-you told m-me n-not to,” I wailed.

Oh, well then, cry away! I was told, with the largesse of a Victorian philanthropist, and I burst into tears.

I don’t recall being told not to cry, but I’m sure that I was. My mother was sexually abusing me nightly, although my conscious recollection boiled down to an eternal blazing fury: I hated my mother, but didn’t know why. My dad, on the other hand, as ignorant of the abuse as I, merely beat me a lot with his belt, mainly for not cleaning my room. To this day, when I hear somebody sweeping, there is a flashknot in my stomach.

But despite the abuse and neglect, I was not allowed to cry. What to do? I stuffed it, of course, and those tears waited with corrosive patience until an excellent therapist coaxed them out in my 40s. It took a lot of therapy, and to this day I am what’s called a “stress crier.” It’s a pain in the butt, if only because my sinuses swell from all the mucus and I can get a migraine from the pressure unless I hit myself with four sprays of fluticasone, which tastes unpleasantly of an incongruous lilac but works well.

I still stuff emotions, primarily anger, but I’m working hard on that. I write the feeling words large and circle them in my journal. The result is something that looks a lot like cantankerousness: I suffer fools badly, and have started to show up for myself.

I am trying to turn into a cranky old lady; to further this end, I have stopped dying my hair now that I’ve buzzed most of it off. My face still looks ten years younger, due mainly to genetics, not smoking, and sleep and hydration, but the crop of silver on top is like a snake rattle: Step over my log with caution, because I’ve been here for a few many turns around the sun now, and I have learned how to bite.

I nipped somebody this morning over something small, and was amazed at the level of satisfaction it afforded. (There is somebody who has taken it upon themselves to walk the website I manage, and if they find a 404 link, they email all of upper management. It’s been annoying for eight years, and I finally had enough. I told him that this tactic just made me look bad, and I would appreciate being given a private heads-up, being the webmaster and all.)

I’ve been chanting to change my karma, and (coincidentally I’m sure) had the most stressful month since I was homeless. I thought meditation was supposed to mellow you out, but maybe the mellow has to clear away a whole lot of muck before it rests easy in your soul. What do you think?

Advertisement

I’s a Fat Lady o’Color. Ain’t That Enough?

07 Tuesday Jul 2015

Posted by lionsofmercy in Blog

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

arthritis, bipolar disorder, knees, mean people suck, mental illness, orthopod, stigma

Well, apparently not. From the Just-Can’t-Win Department:

I just came back from the orthopod, where I was told that the sometimes excruciating pain in my right knee means I most likely have a degenerative tear of my meniscus, which isn’t worth scoping. He also told me that it didn’t matter what the studies said about fat people having a decent outcome for knee replacement, Hospital Protocol said BMI of 40, which for me means losing 45 pounds. End of discussion.

I wasn’t at my best for it even if I did have a shot in Sheepdom, because the PA had put me on the exam table with my head near the door, and thus I had just heard his entire little precis for the attending, which included the words:

“She’s not a good candidate for it no matter what she does–she has a history of bipolar disorder.”

I mean, sheep me. He said WHAT???

Apparently stigma is alive and well in the People’s Republic of Cambridge.  So I came home and wrote the following letter in their MyVoice(tm) email system:

Please make sure Dr. Ortho sees this; I expect a response from him. [These emails are read by the entire team, or can be. Attendings are too important for this sheep.]

Dear Dr. Ortho,

I’m not sure whether or not you realize it, but (having my head right near the door while on the table) I heard every word of what Jerkface said to you before you came in the room: “I don’t think she’d be a good candidate no matter what she did–she has a history of bipolar disorder.” I unfortunately am one of those women who cry when they’re really upset, so I didn’t say anything while I was there. But–I’m REALLY upset.

I’m not sure why my *past* history of BP automatically makes me a bad candidate. I do know, however, that although I’m not a big success at controlling my weight, I kick serious butt in recovering from a major mental illness. Check and see–I haven’t been hospitalized in over seven years, and in fact my job requires me to be in strong recovery.

Jerkface’s remark was ignorant and insensitive. It doesn’t matter that I wasn’t meant to overhear it, it shows that he needs to learn a lot about mental illness. He gives a good shot, but I’d rather he not be involved with my care in the future. I very seriously suggest that your staff have an in-service on mental illness and stigma: NAMI is a great source for such things if you can’t arrange it in-house.

As for my being a poor candidate “no matter what:” I’m fat, not crazy. I’m fat, not incompetent. I’m fat, not lazy. I’m just fat, not some creature without feelings. Just fat.

Please respond.

Most sincerely,
Me

(Ok, I didn’t call him Jerkface.) What surprised me about this was how upset I got. Why should I care what some escapee from an overzealous tanning bed thinks about my mental status, based on a five minute interview and a cursory scan of my chart? It’s not like Dr. Ortho responded with, “Yah, I don’t cut them crazy bitches. We cool.”

Maybe it was the sum of the whole visit, with stigma piled on top of the obligatory medical fat-bash. (Dr. O did say something like, “WELL. It all depends on how important your knees are to you.”) I dunno.

I think I’m going to take the rest of the evening off and have some ice cream. With a potato-chip garnish.

Nova Terra

just another way of stalling on my other writing

Categories

  • Blog
  • Fiction
June 2023
M T W T F S S
 1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
2627282930  
« May    

Blogroll

  • Aaaand it's my brand new Patreon page! (Still being set up.)
  • All the Google Doodles
  • And there's even a Google Doodle store!
  • BBC has all these nifty all-about-you tests . . .
  • Free downloadable SF books! Good ones! Really! Legit even!
  • Help transcribe the New York Public Library's menus! Minimal effort required!
  • Lunar Calendar
  • My YouTube favorites, in case you're bored or curious
  • Places to increase your mellow
  • rathergood.com. Well, pretty darn good.
  • The International Center for Bathroom Etiquette. Really. Awesome.
  • The Muppets: Bohemian Rhapsody
  • The Onion interview with God, September 2001
  • Translate Japanese characters to Roman letters
  • Want a koan? Pick a koan. Any koan.
  • What people of X height look like at Y weight

Stupid Art! doh!

  • Graph Paper of the Gods
  • The Museum of Bad Art

Stupid Writing! doh!

  • By golly, this is a pretty darn good Inuit-family language vocab site!
  • Lunar Calendar
  • Random noun generator
  • Revised Standard Version
  • The Bible

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Privacy & Cookies: This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this website, you agree to their use.
To find out more, including how to control cookies, see here: Cookie Policy
  • Follow Following
    • Nova Terra
    • Join 169 other followers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • Nova Terra
    • Customize
    • Follow Following
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar